Finding my way back to you feels like finding my way back to myself again, my old self .. I want to do this one special thing the girl of last year used to do .. not because I’ve changed too much, but because I want to be “last year”. Every molecule that witnessed that period of time. Yes, literally.
Years are like a forever lost friend, they turn their back at you forever but you can still have the damned guts to miss them “forever”.
One way or another. I am still the same person, carrying last year within me; the scents of last year, the music of last year, the words of last year, the blackness of last year, the god-damned memories, and the people .. well, one person. But he, being there among the rest made me not just miss him, but miss them too when he was around. I seem to be missing everything, and everything seems to long for him too, even this yearning is missing something ..
But when I thought it was the end, fate proved it’s not. Not the end, not yet. He’s still here .. Soon I will be filling you up with everything, I promise.
At this moment, I’m like an excited 5 year-old. Well, a bit more mature than that but still. Buddy, I thought I lost my dear blog forever!! *tears of joy* !! :”)
I think this is a great timing, because I have a handful of secrets to tell. I would have probably gone mad if I didn’t stumble into you today.
With pure love,
تساؤلاتٌ، تساؤلات ..
توقظني من الحياة ..
تقتل بقايا الأحلام ..
تغمض عيناي .. وتعانق يداها الباردتان أصابعي .. لنغرق في اللاشيء ..
تساؤلاتٌ، تساؤلات ..
أرهينتها أنا ؟ أم رهينتك ؟..
أنت التساؤل لأكبر ..
خيباتٌ، خيبات ..
تمسح من عيناي الكحل ..
كصندوقَيْ موسيقى .. تغلق أذناي عن نوتات الحب ..
تسرّح شعري في جدائل من دموع ..
تطبع على جبيني الحائر قبلة الذكرى ..
وترسلني إلى سريري طفلةً مطيعة ..
لأغرق بين أوجاع وسادتي ..
أخيبةٌ أنت ؟ ..
تساؤلاتٌ، تساؤلات ..
I’m scared to look at her in the eyes, I’m scared I’d collapse with my tears down towards that wicked gravity ..
I’m scared of myself, I’m scared of him.
He frightens me with his sweetness, madness, coldness, and his dark side .. I do not want to believe that he’s leaving .. my mind can’t afford to endure such a thought ..
I’m stuck in emptiness, it kills me every time we talk and I say nothing .. words are stacked in my throat .. choking me .. what would I say ? He has all kinds of powers over me ..
The thought “He’s leaving” freezes my mind .. every time ..
I keep thinking about the consequences .. a raging storm ..
I want to get rid of him .. to wake up tomorrow and realize that he left without saying goodbye .. to realize that his guts are ugly .. to hate him .. I do not want to come into his mind at all .. whether he thought good of me or not ..
He got used to leaving people behind him .. he will never care .. He’s probably going back to his old love ..
I need to find a way to survive without him ..
I can not survive out there.
I am going back to you.
My pain is growing up, it’s getting older and older making me so small and little.
Strength is dying within me, and all I’m doing is mourning both.. its death and mine.
I can’t seem to find a way to get to the core of my pain and cut it out.. maybe make something creative out of it..
My best friends, my mother, and that stranger with the fine composed words… none of them can see how old and young I am..
I always thought that people have eaten my mind away, but I am sure now that I am the one who has eaten it.
Death has crawled to my very own skin, whispering in my ears, hovering over my eyes, demanding me to scream my soul out.. that I have become its own skin..
I do not know how to end this, I have a problem with the ending of every single thing…
How do people live? because I don’t want to die…
Until I grab a hold of a strong hand,
كم أتمنى في هذه اللحظة لو استطيع الهروب إلى دمشق
الاختباء خلف جدران حاراتها العتيقة
أتنفس رائحة المطر
لا رائحة دماء… لا رائحة ماضي ولا حاضر
.أتدفأ من برد السلام، وأنام متوسدةً سكينة ضحكات مطمئنة
أيها الدمشقي الغريب، كم أراك في فكرة كتلك…
لقد بثَّ ذلك الحلم سم ذكرى بين ثنايا عقلي المتيم بسراب بعيد، وكأنه أفعى همست لي باسمه… همست لجسدي المرتعش بكل الكلمات التي خبئتها تحت وسادتي مساء عنه، أنعت إليً احتضار الحب حتى سرقت روحي كمياه جارفة فرحت أناجي الموت ليحلّق بي بعيداً عنها… وعنه.