I don’t know where do I start…..
Yesterday, I was sitting in my room trying to remember how you used to play with me in our backyard when I was little, how you used to tell me a bedtime story before sleep or even carry me up when I toddled around you but….nothing came to mind, because none of those memories have ever really happened.
If you weren’t the way you are today, I’d talk to you about some things that are going on in my life right now but you are busy blaming me about every single thing I do, even stupid tiny details you never forget to blame me about them. I sometimes wonder if you’re even allowed to blame me. I know you’re my dad but, I’ve never felt that you love me, so why are you blaming me? Just to irritate me? To bring me down everytime I try to be stronger? What are you doing that for father?
I know you don’t care about me, and even when you try I know you’re just pretending just to show us that you’re not an irresponsible selfish person, but I’m sorry dad… we all know so don’t bother trying.
I wish I can say those words to you right now,I wish I can wake you up and turn you into a better person that you’ve never tried to be. I wish you can understand why I act cold around you, why I never talk or smile when you’re around.Do you think I like it?? Do you think I like being mean to my dad? No, I don’t…I’m just treating you the way you’ve always treated me.
I hate myself for hating you, I hate the noisy harsh voices in my head that keep on telling me ” you hate your father Anna, you’re a bad person Anna”. Every time I hear them I get the urge to scream at those stupid voices, to scream at you…at myself for being mean like you. I always try to convince myself that this feeling of hatred towards you isn’t real, it’s fake and if you every try to be a REAL nice, caring dad it’ll fade away like it’s never come to me before.
I feel like we’re just two strangers who hate eachother. I’m always afraid of waking up one day and realizing that I’ve somehow become like you. I hope you understand what I mean dad, I wish I can make things better between us but you never give me a chance. I won’t even try, because I can’t, because you’ve built a wall between me and you.
One more thing I want to tell you;there’s a question that always haunts me ”Am I mean like you?” I wish I could know.
I’m out of words dad, I don’t know what else to say to you.
I wish I could write I love you at the end of this, but you didn’t leave me much of a choice…
(I hope that I didn’t seem mean to whoever is reading this)